Guest Postapalooza: The Next Martha

The Next Martha actually has a real name and it is Jen. She writes about 30 different blogs including; The Martha Project,  a blog about raising a gifted kid, and a "fat blog", where she adds mayo to things that should not have mayo.

But the real gold comes from her @thenextmartha twitter updates...they are such gold that if you aren't on twitter you should be just to read them.

One thing I should mention is this post is an exclusive...it is incredibly timely as some of the events happened at the end of last week. I paid her huge dollars to get this exclusive so I hope you enjoy.

---

When Kenny asked me to guest post I jumped to say yes. He’s like my long lost Jewish hash brown eating brother. To say I like him is like saying that he doesn’t care for cheese. Though he’s not at the toilet training phase of parenthood, when he is I will NOT have any advice for him.

I Have No Toilet Training Advice

I started when most people in this country start. I started talking about it at two years old. I decided what terms I wanted to use and then bore them into submission with it. Right?

We chose the following:
Toilet
Poopy
Pee-Pee
Butt
Penis

This all seems pretty straight forward.
To most.
My kids are not most.

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “In the garden!”

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “At the zoo!”

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “In my pants!”

At this point I don’t know if this kid is hilarious or just not ready. I decided to dedicate a certain amount of time each day to naked time. One day he asked me “Pee-pee’s go down there?” and he pointed to the heater register. I told him that they actually did NOT go down there and then brought him to the toilet to show him it again. Later T said “pee-pees down there.” pointing to the heater register again. I walked over explaining to him that no, the toilet, blah, blah, WHAT IS THAT! Oh, yes he peed down the heater register. It was almost like earlier he wanted me to know that WAS going to be his plan today.

So I found out that if I bribed him with a matchbox car then he would find his way to the toilet. I bought one of those 5 packs and he got one for every pee in the toilet. I didn’t buy new ones I would just go to his container of them and refill the empty slots. This worked so I decided to work on the 2nd step. The poopy step.

I decided to commit to a week or so of naked at home time. He mostly plays on the first floor and in his room and does so independently. One day I was walking up the stairs and it’s never a good sign when you can smell it before you see it. I see him in his room. I look and see nothing. I ask him and he tells me nothing. I then use my mad nose detective skills to lead me to his brother’s room. I look and still don’t see anything…..wait; B never closes his closet doors. I open the door and there it is. One loaf dropped in his closet behind closed doors. Great I’ve got a closet pooper on my hands. B’s room becomes his loaf dropping station for the next few weeks. B was in school so I never told him. I mean how does “Hey B, I’m pretty sure that T is getting his revenge on you by crapping in your room” sound?

I decide to up the bribing by letting him pick a toy at Target and instead of letting him open it I put it on the fireplace mantle for him to see. He knew that if he drops the loaf into the toilet then he gets it.

And guess what? He does.
But not next time.
Another toy and guess what? He does again.

So now he has figured out that if he doesn’t have a toy on the mantle to “work” for he’s not going to do it.

Well isn’t that just craptastic.

I decided that I would PAY someone $100 to train my kid so I should at least use up to that amount on toy bribes. Really can my logic be any worse?

We’re doing pretty well now and I’ve even stopped giving him cars ever time he pees and he seems fine with it.

Until he’s not and decides to starts using our couch as his own pee sponge. The first time I thought maybe it was an accident. The second he actually was standing on the couch peeing from one cushion to the next like he’s playing his own tic-tac-toe-cushion peeing game.

Another time this week we stay home ALL day so he can poop and the ONE hour we are out of the house for chess is when he decides to go. At the park. Climbing and crapping. In his pants.

I have no advice. I don’t know why I can’t do this. I have read books, gone to websites, talked to their doctor and have even asked twitter for help. One part is that I have the types of kids who think “If it ain’t broken don’t fix it” I’m sorry, I’m not moving my kids up to Depends. As long as I have a credit card, this will happen.